So Give Me Novacaine

Ok.. I’ve been listening to this GD song “Give me Novacaine” the whole day today non-stop at full blast. The song is so beautiful..sad but melodically beautiful.

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that’s alright
Jimmy says it's better than here,
I’ll tell you why

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine

Oh Novacaine
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine


These sound so true on certain days.

Today morning I got up and immediately the first thing I thought was D was leaving the company and me. Don’t know how and from where I got that premonition. And I immediately starting crying while brushing my teeth. Now, my parents have not seen me cry in ages. I am very adept at crying on the sly. Even movies that are touching, I cry like a baby, but I usually pretend that I poked a finger in my eye and excuse myself. Anyhow… I excused myself and went to the loo to cry.

I think what I was more upset about was not that D might leave. I mean I am sure I would be very upset and cry just if *that* happened too. But its more of a trigger to a bigger event. That event being almost all of my friends or bfs have left me. No, I didn’t leave them. They left me. Either in search of better schools, jobs, girls, or even their wives.

So on occasion when I reflect back it just feels like people have abandoned me, neglected me. And when that just adds up, I don’t know, sometimes the slightest thing triggers a cry fest.
Then I told myself that I would not let D quit. That even if he did, I would stalk him and force him to remain in touch with me. You know – like the caged sparrow. Sure the bird is in your possession, but does he actually want to be there with you? NO. Sometimes I feel that is what D feels with me. That he is just being polite in front of me and colleagues. That he is indeed feeling smothered by me, irritated even. I sooo don’t want that. I so don’t want him to hate me. God..i could start crying rite now again … thinking about it.:(

Then I told myself I would be the bigger person here. That if quitting made him happy, then he should do it. Ultimately if I say I like him and want him to be happy, then I should be ok and happy with that, rite? And guess what – I actually was happy. I imagined myself saying all these “if u love someone set it free” crap to him and actually meaning it. So what if I would never see him again. I reasoned that the fact that he was there with me for about 2 months should be rejoiced rather than the fact that he is leaving. To focus on what I have, rather than what I am losing or yearning.

I think many people don’t realize that I have a sensitive side and that I am incredibly hurt very easily at the slightest of provocation. But provocation by the right person. They just see this chirpy and bubbly me on the outside. For some, even cocky, trashy, brash, vulgar. But most see me as a robot (as Ankur put it) or as an “Ice queen” (as Thomas adorably put it). And on most days I really am that, and don’t mind the perception people have of me. To hell with what people think of me. But when people dismiss and say some things that they think are harmless or that I am immune to, then it does hurt. I even thought of cutting myself once over such a comment.

What happened that day was this friend did not smile at me we crossed paths, things were not getting anywhere between me and Rishu, and then if something goes whack at work, I just totally lose it. I don’t have a lot going on in my social life. Hence I pride myself on my pro life. And if I goof up there – I am my own worst critic. Nobody needs to tell me I was bad. Bad. They will never say bad. But I can judge myself and I know I fell short that day. The Hurixnet compliance checks that I do were getting nowhere that day. Instead of increasing to 90% as required, they were stagnating or even reducing. So it was already a pretty lousy day thus far, and this just triggered a massive depression. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Went to the loo to cry. Then went to the lovely garden in our complex with a bunch of papers to just let off some steam. Initially I thought I would be ranting and raving and basically writing a hate mail. Hate – as in “you let me down, I hate you” kind of mail. But instead what came out on paper what “I hate me, you are so pathetic” rants. Heres the first line of that 15 page letter to me:
Whore. Bitch. Cheap. A joke. Stupid. Dumb. Idiot. Disillusioned. Ugly. Unwanted. Useless.

I even bought a blade, but since I was in the office, I couldn’t find a safe place to do so and then eventually cheered up with some self therapy.

Ahhh..Life. So complicated. So painful at times. SO GIVE ME NOVACAINE....